I posted a facebook status recently speaking of how I had been pondering life lately – and in doing so, how I was feeling somewhat lost. It wasn’t a cry for attention. I’m not feeling depressed or lonely. I’ve just been thinking a lot.
I think I’m not so different from most people. I imagine most people want to believe their life is worth more than just existing, that the pursuit of happiness is more than a cliche. Again, I stress, I am not depressed, but can I say I’m truly happy? I don’t know. I feel like there’s something missing…
I do know I’m comfortable. I go to a job every weekday that I enjoy. I work with wonderful people who each in their own right has a killer sense of humor. I come home to a comfortable home with food and beer in the fridge. I have a sexy little car that gets me where I need to go. What more could I possibly need?
Some of you will have noticed that I did not mention a significant other in my list of ‘what I haves’ and it’s true…I do not share my life with anyone right now. Nor do I feel this is a need. For a majority of my adult life, I have been attached to a man. Suffice it to say, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. My husband and I separated 2 years ago and I’ve never looked back on the relationship or the break-up with regret. We had twin boys and a ton of great times together over 22 years, but the relationship just ran it’s course. The truly good times, when we enjoyed each others company were already becoming what they are today…memories. I enjoy being on my own. I can stretch out on the bed, I don’t have to listen to someone farting and snoring next to me and the bathroom is a breeze to clean up!
So, it’s not a man that I feel is missing from my life. I miss my kids like crazy but not so crazy that I would want to do it over again. I’m very proud of my boys – proud of the men they grew to be. All 4 of my boys have great character and are men that I like to hang out with. I did okay as a mom for the most part but it was a lot of work…and not just in the bathroom, though admittedly a hell of a lot of my time was spent in there. No, it’s not the children that are missing – the having kids underfoot portion of my life has also passed without regrets.
It occurs to me that my lack of writing lately is a huge hint as to what is missing and after much thought I have concluded that somewhere in the middle of waking up each morning, getting ready for work, going to work, coming home, working out, showering, catching a buzz, making something to eat and then relaxing in front of netflix before calling it a night day after day, I somehow misplaced my passion for life. I wondered how my eulogy would go if I were to die tomorrow. Speaking of which, Crimson Quill, are you still going to write one for me? (After reading Crimson Quill’s heart wrenching eulogy for a slug he murdered…er, I mean stepped on in a tragic walking incident – RIP Cornelius – I asked him to write one for me…he said he would, I can’t wait!)
As it happened, as I was contemplating all of this, a friend texted me telling me about how he scored floor seats to see John Foggerty and that he could check that off his bucket list. I realized I didn’t have a formal bucket list. What the hell would I put on it? What do I still want to accomplish before I die? What am I passionate about? I’m pretty sure it isn’t keeping up with The Walking Dead and Orange is the New Black.
So here goes…my bucket list…
- learn to play keyboards
- see a musical on Broadway
- be a part of a comedy show (unsuspecting audience volunteer)
- learn to pole dance
- catch a huge band (preferably rock) performing an intimate show (500 people or less)
- do Sully Erna (now that would be passionate!)
- have a red hot love affair (if it’s with Sully Erna, I’ll kill two birds with one stone!)
- go to a TED conference
- publish a book
Well, that’s all I can think of right now. I’m sure the list will grow as I think up new things and shrink as I cross stuff out. Well, there’s no time like the present so I’m going to start by crossing one of these things off my list very very soon. I just signed up for pole dancing classes. They start Sunday. Wish me luck……. ; )
Awolnation – Kill Your Heros
“Never let your fear decide your fate…..”